#132 - Stop Projecting: What Midlife Gets Wrong About Older Adulthood

A few days ago, I was interviewed for NPR’s Here & Now, and the host asked me about my “aging journey.” I felt a little flustered—not because it was a bad question, but because I’m 50. And when people ask me about aging, my mind goes straight to older adulthood: 65, 75, 85, 95 and beyond. So my answer didn’t land the way I wanted it to. I left the interview thinking, I wish I’d said that differently.

What I wish I’d said in the moment is this: when I talk about aging, I’m usually talking about older adulthood—the stretch of life that can span decades, roughly from 65 to 122. It’s not a single moment or an identity you suddenly “become.” It’s a long, dynamic developmental chapter, with real change, real challenge, and real growth over time.

And honestly, at 50, I don’t feel like I’ve lived enough of older adulthood to speak from deep personal experience about what it’s like. What I do know—because for the past 25 years I’ve been a geropsychologist to more than 1,000 older adults and their families—is this: when we’re in midlife and we imagine our older selves, we have to watch for the way fear can sneak in and write the story for us—because that fear can sell our future selves short, and it can miss the resilience, adaptability, and grace that so often grow with age.

The biggest thing I see middle-aged people get wrong

In midlife, we often project our fear and dread about aging onto older adulthood. We imagine later life through the lens of what scares us now—physical vulnerability, chronic illness, loss, dependence, mortality.

But what we often miss is this: many older adults become remarkably skilled at adapting. They grow in resilience, self-compassion, and wisdom about what matters. That doesn’t erase real challenges, but it does change how we navigate those challenges. 

Here's an example: AARP did a large aging survey of more than 2000 people and found that fear of death generally decreases with age. In other words, what feels terrifying in midlife may not feel the same once you actually arrive in later life.

Key Takeaways

• Aging happens across the lifespan; older adulthood is its own developmental period.
• Midlife fears can distort how we imagine later life.
• Older adults frequently develop stronger adaptation skills over time.
• Avoid overlooking older adults’ resilience by assuming your dread is their reality.

My invitation for you this week

If you’re in midlife, notice when you’re imagining older adulthood through your current fears. And if you’re a clinician, caregiver, or family member, practice holding this wider frame: Yes, aging can bring physical vulnerability. And it can also bring increased adaptability, clarity, and grace.

Timestamps / Chapters

00:00 — The NPR question that threw me off
01:00 — Two meanings of “aging” (lifespan vs. older adulthood)
02:10 — The midlife projection trap
02:30 – A research example: fear of death tends to decrease with age
03:10 – What we miss: adaptation, resilience, self-compassion
04:10 – Why Regina cringes at the midlife “aging journey” question
04:45 – This week’s tip: don’t project your stage onto theirs
05:05 – Closing and what’s coming next

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Transcript

0:00

here's what middle aged people sometimes get wrong about older adulthood and what I consider the aging experience, which is older adulthood. A couple of days ago, I was interviewed for a segment on NPR, and in this interview, the interviewer, who I suspect was maybe middle age, was asking me a middle aged woman about my own aging journey. Uh. I'm a geropsycholgist. I have been working with older adults for more than 20 years, and when people ask me about aging, I expect that we're talking about older adulthood, so 65, 75, 85, 95, and in my mind, 50 years old is just embarking. It's just in the beginning, beginning stages of aging, of course. When we're born, we start aging, right? We start developing and growing and aging. We're aging all throughout our lives. So there's that construct of aging. And then there's another construct of aging, which is older adulthood. Older adulthood, for the purposes of research spans from 65 to 122 years old, has been the, the oldest living person documented to, to live until 122. And so that is almost. 60 years. That's like 55 years of life. Of older adulthood. And so you can imagine between 65 and 122, if people live that long, there's a lot of development and change that happens. Older adulthood is not one fixed moment in time. Aging is not one fixed moment in time. But so I was on this NPR segment and the, the interviewer asked me about my own aging journey and I, and I felt a little flustered in answering the question because in my mind. I have not approached my aging. I'm, I'm just on the precipice of an aging journey. I'm near 50, uh, I'll be 50 in a couple of months, so I'm middle age and, and here's what middle aged people sometimes get wrong about older adulthood and what I consider the aging experience, which is older adulthood. What middle aged people, often get wrong. Is that we often project our fear and dread about the aging experience onto older adulthood. Let me give you an example. So, a few years ago, a AARP did a large study looking at more than 2000 people spanning from 45 to 85, and they asked, how afraid of death are you and the respondents. Based on stage of life and age, had very different responses. People 45 55 had higher fear of death than people in older adulthood than 75, 85 year olds. And the older we got, the less fearful of death we were. And so what happens often is in middle age, we project our fears. Onto what life will be like in older age, and perhaps we're witnessing changes happening in our older loved ones, and that can be very painful and scary, at the same time. What we overlook in middle age sometimes is that in older age, we get very good, hopefully at adapting, and that people adapt to changes that are happening in their life. And so these are trends. These are not rules. Not everybody does this the same way, but we often overlook an older person's resilience and self-compassion and ability to adapt to changes that are happening and project the dread that we have about older adulthood or chronic illness or physical changes that might happen. And so I wish I had said all of that in the NPR clip. And so when people ask me about my own aging journey as a 50-year-old woman, I sort of cringe because I think, I don't know, I haven't lived it yet, but what I do know is the the fabulous opportunities I've had to bear witness and walk alongside thousands of older adults and their family members and partners in navigating their own aging journey, and the beautiful lessons I've learned and some of the painful life lessons I've learned along the way and along my work with them. And so I'm looking forward to sharing some of those lessons with you over the next few weeks. I'm Dr. Regina Koepp i'm a geropsychologist That's a psychologist who specializes with older adults, and I founded the Center for Mental Health and Aging. My goal is each week to bring you a mental health and aging tip. Today's tip is all about being mindful, depending on your stage of life, to not project your current experience onto an older person's experience, and to not overlook all of the resilience and adaptability and grace and self-compassion that can come with the aging experience. So I'll see you next time for another mental health and aging tip.